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The Seven Worst Places To Buy Oddities

(Some people have accused this of being satire. We say: Surely not! We are a very, very serious event.

1. The Shady Shack at the End of the Universe If you ever find yourself at the edge of the cosmos, and you forgot to deposit the penny necessary to afford any Restaurants, Bistros, or Dining Halls at the End of the Universe, you should really resist the urge to visit the Shady Shack. The oddities here are so bizarre that they defy the laws of physics, and the prices are not astronomical (so large that they are best described by the distance between solar systems) but rather astrological (it takes the Gods to figure out how much your meal cost, and even then, it’s only a prediction. Plus, the return policy is non-existent; once you buy a black hole in a bottle, it’s yours forever (or more accurately: you are its.)

2. Dr. Doolittle’s Discount Taxidermy Dr. Doolittle’s might seem like a steal with stuffed animals at bargain prices, but was it really necessary for them to come alive at night? This isn’t a Chuck E. Cheese, after all.

3. The Bermuda Triangle Bazaar Shopping here is a one-way ticket to mystery. Customers enter, but they don’t leave… with their purchases, that is. The oddities are enticing, but they have a tendency to vanish along with your sense of direction and your desire to return home. Some say that the place is seductive because it’s a gateway to Faerieland; some say that it’s seductive because it’s the only way out of New Jersey.

4. The Haunted Mansion’s Garage Sale Everything must go, including the ghosts. The oddities here are guaranteed to be haunted, and not in the fun, Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost way. More like the “why-is-my-furniture-talking-and-why-does-it-only-speak-Mesapotamian?” and “who’s-that-screaming-my-name-backwards-in-the-dark-and-moldering-attic” kind of way.

5. The Time Traveler’s Trunk This pop-up shop appears randomly throughout history, and its wares are genuinely out of this world. However, the risk of causing a time paradox with your purchase is too high. Do you really need a T-Rex horn that badly?

(You DO live in a world where Unicorns mated with T-Rexes, right? You’re not the victim of some horrifying time-paradox, right?)

6. The Underworld Emporium Located somewhere between here and Hades, this shop offers the finest in cursed artifacts and demonic knick-knacks. The catch? Each purchase comes with a free curse. Talk about buyer’s remorse! You’d be much better off with The Gnome Depot.

7. The Invisible Market The oddities here are so odd, they’re invisible. You’ll spend a fortune on things you can’t even see, and good luck finding the customer service desk when you want to complain.

In other words, it’s basically like every other store on the Internet, only his one’s in real life. Whatever ‘real life’ might be.


In conclusion, while the thrill of acquiring oddities can be enticing, it’s best to avoid these seven peculiar places. Unless, of course, you enjoy the idea of conversing with your new pet rock from another dimension. Happy (and safe) oddity hunting!

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